Understanding Emotionally Immature Parents
by Jill Harmon, LCSW-R, CCTP-II
Emotionally immature parents can leave their adult children feeling confused, guilty, or perpetually “not enough.” These are parents who, despite their age, struggle with emotional regulation, empathy, and healthy boundaries. In Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, psychologist Lindsay Gibson outlines how this emotional immaturity often shows up: impulsive reactions, blaming others, and making everything about themselves.
Even well-meaning parents can fall into this category. The problem isn’t just difficult behavior—it’s a lack of true emotional connection. You might leave interactions feeling drained, dismissed, or even like a child again, no matter your age.
Signs You Grew Up with One
Here are a few red flags that Gibson highlights:
• You felt responsible for your parent’s moods
• They shut down or lashed out when confronted
• Conversations were often one-sided
• You felt unseen, even when you did everything “right”
• Your emotional needs were minimized or ignored
These dynamics can lead to chronic people-pleasing, anxiety, low self-worth, or difficulty trusting your own perceptions.
When One Parent Enables the Other
Sometimes the dysfunction is doubled when the other parent (or caregiver) enables the emotionally immature one. Instead of protecting you, they may have tried to pacify the difficult parent—excusing their behavior, avoiding conflict, or pressuring you to “not upset them.” This creates an environment where your needs and emotions are consistently deprioritized. It’s a form of emotional neglect, even if it was done in the name of peace.
It’s Not Your Job to Fix Them
A major takeaway from Gibson’s work is this: you can’t change someone who isn’t willing to do the emotional work. Trying to “explain” your feelings or “get through to them” often leads to more disappointment.
Instead, shift your focus inward. Build up your emotional resources. Recognize that setting boundaries is not unkind—it’s necessary for your well-being.
Tips for Protecting Your Peace
If you’re dealing with emotionally immature parents, try these strategies:
Limit expectations: Accept they will never be the parent you deserved.
Set boundaries: You can say no, end conversations, and skip the guilt trips.
Use “gray rock” techniques: Stay neutral to avoid emotional baiting.
Don’t overshare: Vulnerability isn’t safe with someone who invalidates it.
Find surrogate support: Seek connection with emotionally mature people.
Reparenting Yourself
Gibson encourages readers to “become the parent you needed.” That means offering yourself the love, safety, and validation you didn’t receive growing up. Therapy can help with this—so can journaling, mindfulness, EMDR, and somatic work.
If you find yourself triggered, angry, or emotionally flooded around your parent, that’s not weakness—it’s a wound that deserves care.
You’re Not Alone
Many adults silently wrestle with guilt, grief, and confusion over their family dynamics. Healing begins when you stop trying to be good enough for parents who were never equipped to be good enough parents.
Contact us for support navigating difficult family dynamics and learning how to set boundaries that honor your emotional health. We offer individual therapy, EMDR, and somatic techniques in-person in Middletown and Liberty, and via telehealth throughout New York State.
